‘Lost and Found’

The strong wind makes the windows shake and the tree next to the house is creating a rustling heavy whisper. Dark clouds bring a grey shadow on everything and the sudden raindrops ride down the sky like bullets trying to get in from the rattling windows. The small town where the storm is happening only seems to have this kind on weather because it is natural for the streets to be empty of people, for the beautiful sandbeach to be empty of swimmers and sunbathers, and its mood always to be grey. All this seems to create an inhospitable environment for enjoyment, peace, creativity and satisfaction. But the feeling of that small person in that apartment with shaky windows was peaceful. All emotions and feelings were exactly the opposite of what the natural signs were bringing out. She was her strongest self. Enough space to be happy with who she actually was. Nothing around was making her feel miserable. Even when some irritating thoughts started stabbing her heart, it was the healthy mind that was able to stop the process immediately.

What was that in this atmosphere that was giving her the surprising strength and balance? The fact that there seemed to be no competition around her? No hustle and bustle that was constantly taking her concentration away from herself? No unhealthy activities that scatter the self?

Hypersensitivity is a great disadvantage when a person doesn’t know how to protect herself. But it has to be done in order to survive the madness behind the boarder. The madness she left behind a week ago but needs to go back in 5 days. “I don’t want to! I am not ready!” she thinks daily. Just the thought of being back on the streets of Berlin is causing panic and fear. Such a strong overtaking fear that shouldn’t come to a person’s mind when thinking of going back ‘home‘. Like a child whose parents are violent alcoholics, she was scared with thoughts of not being valuable or good enough for the possible love and comfort. The need to prove that ‘I am worth it’ (whatever the ‘it’ currently symbolized) was an everyday task. But not here in the small town with empty streets and cold wind, with nothing else to do than to be with yourself.

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Inhale-Exhale-Repeat

 

 

On the surface of the Moon, soon
a girl starts to move
The gravity of force, source
of all that is left to bloom.
The mental architecture, protection
of the wounds.
Finally a designation, a resignation
of the old and cruel.
Playing piano with fingers in the air, prayer
not used as the only tool.
Softly breathing, leading
the breath for cure.
Opening eyes, good byes
anymore not as scary, but pure.
Passion within, breath in
the touch of the lure.
Life’s scout, breath out
to discover the obscure.

 

Photo credits to Paul Henschel.

Steps with Sounds

To not being able to dance
means not being able to breath.
But if the sacrifice has to be made…
To choose – to live without or to die with
If dance is giving you breath
Then secondary comes the death.

They danced together,
they fought together.
The price – we will see
The pleasure – we already feel.

Let us be free,
whoever you might be
charging our souls with
more than money is worth.

I sigh.
I cry.
I believe
the pain be relieved.

 

In support of those Georgian dancers who are fighting their way into a free club and rave culture. Read more from Resident Advisor.

Memories of the Detached Love

Sun burns our already tanned naked bodies in the yard of a small green 2floor summer house. It is a perfect minimalistic atmosphere with sovietism written all over it. Being quiet is comfortable. Being hazy and bored from all the rest is allowed because there is nothing more to do than being lazy, and it is enough. We only see each other, we only hear each other, we only want each other. No distracting human existence around us. The leaves of the trees are whispering true secrets of life. The murmur of the fast flowing river has a meditating power. The smell of fresh green grass and colorful, still tiny flowers are pleasing the senses. Just me and you. I cannot see the end. It will never end. It is too perfect to end and too beautiful to turn into dust.
It was the time when I felt I had everything. The beginning of summer, the end of all the responsibilities, the reassurance that love is real and I am worth getting it from the person who had previously crushed my loving capacity by throwing me away ’cause I showed too many messy emotions.
It was perfect and it was fucked up. The way our silky sun-smelling bodies waved against each other. We could feel the heath between us only by looking at each other. How the burning tangible chemistry made us feel that we are right for each other! And knowing that it is too impossible combination of two Aries to last longer than the time we had there made it even more special.
Are you really loving me now? How exciting that was. Finally! Even when he was so boilingly mad (from unknown reasons) that he threw apathetically away the purple flower that I gave him to make him feel better, I was still so glad he didn’t throw me away again.
We ended it soon after arriving back to the city. We were able to love each other only in unrealistic world made of uncatchable dreams and freedom. I would do it all over again. Nothing beats the physical chemistry we had.

All of that came back to my mind when I heard the first beats of the track Traumprinz 2 Bad.

Oh, and it was also the ending track of the closing of ASUM, Estonian techno club which only lasted half a year. The sunlighted evening spent with my sweet Brigit.

The Collapse of My Strong Self

The necessity of 12h sleep. Unability to say “no” to junk food. Unability to say “yes” to healthy activities. Crave for joints and cigarets. Wish to stay up as long as possible. All those choices have ruined my daily schedule. But actually I don’t even care that much because I know it will end soon. And by “it” I mean the circle of misuse of time. Those breakable everyday promises to myself are on the one hand, pointless, on the other hand, necessary to reassure myself that I am not totally lost and I still know what is right, but just not able to act accordingly:

As soon as my body has gotten used to the new weekly schedule, the lack of light, the icy air, the moon.
As soon as I have smoked that last joint.
As soon as I finish that last pack of whateverjunkfoodijustbought.
As soon as the clock has ticked into the new day full of unreachable goals.

It seems that I am not my own moral agent anymore, because I can separate right from wrong but I cannot act accordingly. My free will does not lie within my moral agent but within my desires, which are ruling my everyday choices, and therefore all the picked activities are based on my bodily needs. My mind and soul will start crying for more meaningful choices soon. As soon as I’ll be ready.

Finally, life makes sense

What is more exciting than actually moving towards your goals?

All the activities that have caused struggle with finding enough strenght to make yourself believe that you are not weak. All the feelings that have made you believe that life is not worth being happy because being succesful is untangible illusion that only “others” can reach. All of these moments fade away when you actually find the sources of your power. Thoughts that make you feel down don’t find room in your actively concentrating brain. And even when all the days are not the best ones, you still have those pieces of your true powerful self around you, which support your being and won’t let you fall into that dark room of negativity and loneliness.

The more you fill your day with choices that are good for your present and future self, the calmer you are. It can only be done after heavy dreaming to understand where your mind travels when it is set free; and also by believeing that what you dream of will manifest and therefore become your wonderful reality.

Pleasure Garden

Autumn crisp has taken over previously heath-filled streets of Berlin. Who could have known that one can enjoy it so much? Walking out of the apartment with your layers of warmth covering the soft skin (which is not as tanned as wished) and from the moment the cold air smoothly crawls into the nostrils, you feel relaxed, gentle smile on your face. Finally, the hectic summer is over and it is allowed to stay in more and not party as much without a guilty feeling and fear of missing out.

The days are mostly filled with sunshine which makes outdoor activities so romantic. Crispy sunshine – contrast that has a strong beauty element within. Leaves are falling yet everything is still very green. Walks by the river, gathering the last colorful flowers that make the room look more like me.


On Saturday we decided to clean our whole apartment to get rid of the spirits, energies and thoughts of previous people who have lived here. We had breakfast together, after what we filled jars with water and salt*, putting our sincerest thoughts in it: what we wish to get rid of; what we wish to manifest. Four witches making magic in the kitchen. After the massive clean-up action, the apartment felt warmer and safer.

*Salt water is known for its power of removing bad energy – just leave it to the room for 24h and then wash the jar.

My new room is finally ready and repowered and I feel good about it.