Memories of the Detached Love

Sun burns our already tanned naked bodies in the yard of a small green 2floor summer house. It is a perfect minimalistic atmosphere with sovietism written all over it. Being quiet is comfortable. Being hazy and bored from all the rest is allowed because there is nothing more to do than being lazy, and it is enough. We only see each other, we only hear each other, we only want each other. No distracting human existence around us. The leaves of the trees are whispering true secrets of life. The murmur of the fast flowing river has a meditating power. The smell of fresh green grass and colorful, still tiny flowers are pleasing the senses. Just me and you. I cannot see the end. It will never end. It is too perfect to end and too beautiful to turn into dust.
It was the time when I felt I had everything. The beginning of summer, the end of all the responsibilities, the reassurance that love is real and I am worth getting it from the person who had previously crushed my loving capacity by throwing me away ’cause I showed too much messy emotions.
It was perfect and it was fucked up. The way our silky sun-smelling bodies waved against each other. We could feel the heath between us only by looking at each other. How the burning tangible chemistry made us feel that we are right for each other. And knowing that it is too impossible combination of two Aries to last longer than the time we had there made it even more special.
Are you really loving me now? How exciting that was. Finally! Even when he was so boilingly mad (from unknown reasons) that he threw apathetically away the purple flower that I gave him to make him feel better, I was still so glad he didn’t throw me away again.
We ended it soon after arriving back to the city. We were able to love each other only in unrealistic world made of uncatchable dreams and freedom. I would do it all over again. Nothing beats the physical chemistry we had.

All of that came back to my mind when I heard the first beats of the track:

Oh, and by the way – it was also the ending track for the closing of ASUM, Estonian techno club which only lasted half a year. The sunlighted evening spent with my sweet Brigit.


The Collapse of My Strong Self

The necessity of 12h sleep. Unability to say “no” to junk food. Unability to say “yes” to healthy activities. Crave for joints and cigarets. Wish to stay up as long as possible. All those choices have ruined my daily schedule. But actually I don’t even care that much because I know it will end soon. And by “it” I mean the circle of misuse of time. Those breakable everyday promises to myself are on the one hand, pointless, on the other hand, necessary to reassure myself that I am not totally lost and I still know what is right, but just not able to act accordingly:

As soon as my body has gotten used to the new weekly schedule, the lack of light, the icy air, the moon.
As soon as I have smoked that last joint.
As soon as I finish that last pack of whateverjunkfoodijustbought.
As soon as the clock has ticked into the new day full of unreachable goals.

It seems that I am not my own moral agent anymore, because I can separate right from wrong but I cannot act accordingly. My free will does not lie within my moral agent but within my desires, which are ruling my everyday choices, and therefore all the picked activities are based on my bodily needs. My mind and soul will start crying for more meaningful choices soon. As soon as I’ll be ready.

Finally, life makes sense

What is more exciting than actually moving towards your goals?

All the activities that have caused struggle with finding enough strenght to make yourself believe that you are not weak. All the feelings that have made you believe that life is not worth being happy because being succesful is untangible illusion that only “others” can reach. All of these moments fade away when you actually find the sources of your power. Thoughts that make you feel down, don’t find room in your actively concentrating brain. And even when all the days are not the best ones, you still have those pieces of your true powerful self around you, which support your being and won’t let you fall into that dark room of negativity and loneliness.

The more you fill your day with choices that are good for your present and future self, the calmer you are. It can only be done after heavy dreaming to understand where your mind travels when it is set free; and also by believeing that what you dream of, will manifest and therefore become your wonderful reality.

Pleasure Garden

Autumn crisp has taken over previously heath-filled streets of Berlin. Who could have known that one can enjoy it so much? Walking out of the apartment with your layers of warmth covering the soft skin (which is not as tanned as wished) and from the moment the cold air smoothly crawls into the nostrils, you feel relaxed, gentle smile on your face. Finally, the hectic summer is over and it is allowed to stay in more and not party as much without a guilty feeling and fear of missing out.

The days are mostly filled with sunshine which makes outdoor activities so romantic. Crispy sunshine – contrast that has a strong beauty element within. Leaves are falling yet everything is still very green. Walks by the river, gathering the last colorful flowers that make the room look more like me.

On Saturday we decided to clean our whole apartment to get rid of the spirits, energies and thoughts of previous people who have lived here. We had breakfast together, after what we filled jars with water and salt*, putting our sincerest thoughts in it: what we wish to get rid of; what we wish to manifest. Four witches making magic in the kitchen. After the massive clean-up action, the apartment felt warmer and safer.

*Salt water is known for its power of removing bad energy – just leave it to the room for 24h and then wash the jar.

My new room is finally ready and repowered and I feel good about it.

Palpable Emotions

Windows are wide open, it’s hot summer night, although you can hear the stormy wind developing into rain and maybe even thunder. Just like your messy feelings are culminating into restlessness, the heath with a hint of icy wind is becoming something bigger and stronger. You don’t want to go to sleep, you are too tired to stay awake. Every noise coming from your neighbours, flatmates or nature is pushing your awareness of reality further and further into total chaos, because everything seems to be dangerous and the space that surrounds you seems to be haunted. Haunted by what? Why are you suddenly so afraid of life? Even lying in your own bed is a tricky task – you cannot trust yourself alone with yourself because you are creating the haunted dimension around you and keeping it alive with your own dirty thoughts. Dirty thoughts of you being alone, not enough, fat, embarrassed, bad person, too emotional, too critical, stupid. All of them are a part of the weak self, which comes alive only when emotionally and physically too tired.

It’s 22:22, time to make a wish.

Best advice: let the sleep cure you.

The House of Red Doors

Waking up at 10AM slowly and with a suffer because of the pain of saying Good Bye to the life I had in my dreams. Question “Where am I?” pops up to my mind every morning and it scares me, because I am afraid it has a deeper cause which is related to my E-self. Has the lifestyle corrupted my mind and now slowly taking over my understanding of the Real? — After the morning evaluation on the topic “Am I crazy?” I grabbed my phone, started to read Wall Street Journal from their amazing app, got some information about the Donald Trump Jr vs Russia scandal but missed information about truly important life – real life around me. Namely, Katja’s Facebook picture popped up on my screen but I ignored it, believing that WSJ has so much more useful facts that will help me to grow as a person. I was wrong. After world-facts I went to see what Katja has to say to me and there it was… the most beautiful information sent an hour ago.

She won 2 tickets to Apokalipstick in Renate club and just saw the e-mail. By the time I was ready to answer her that yes! let’s go! she was already there. I washed myself, put on my basic-rave-outfit, ate chia seed pudding, put cherries into my purse and hopped on my bike. Got in an hour before closing, found Katja right away in her national habitat – dance floor -, we talked & danced and felt very well of our decision to make this couple of hour morning party happen.

The euphoric feeling that rushes into your soul the second you walk into a party gives you the boost you need to have the strenght to become one of the animals in the madhouse. You passionately only see the beauty in everything: in every fallen angel, in all the dirt, in the starvation in people’s eyes. All this is the cause of the feeling that the world is actually wonderful. Everything and everyone that you see there, belongs to there. Even if it would be unacceptable and ugly outside the walls of the club, it is aesthetically perfect inside the walls. 


Colours of the Nature

It’s so easy to fall in love with eating clean and fresh food. And yet it’s also so easy to fall off the train to more healthy lifestyle. The more effort is put into preparing and cooking, the enjoyable is to taste the results as well.

Only way to be sure you are eating less sugar and other unnecessary additives is to make as much as possible yourself. Berlin’s Turkish market offered a wide selection of fresh vegetables and fruits with a very fair price! The more you buy, the cheaper it is, therefore it is so easy to end up with loads of different foods – what to do with all of the fresh stuff if you know you cannot eat it all before they’ll become inedible? DIY

Plum Jam 2017

Sounds like a new hipster indie festival, but actually is just a yummy sour plum jam which will be perfect for the future chia puddings.

Frozen Parsley

I have discovered that I have a huge crush on fresh parsley. I have added it to all of my sandwiches, tortillas and vegan souces. I believe he is the one. Chopped most of it up and put into the freezer.

Parsley and plum jam

The Fear of Death

You believe you have what it takes. Finally you have created a persona who is powerful enough to stand up straight and against the tought world. You wake up with a smile because you have succeeded in some fields, you are happy with yourself and you know your value. You are strong. Until Nature shows what is the truth. The truth that you are a small little insect that can be washed off from the life (that you are trying to take as seriously as possible) in a second.

Thunderstorms. The moment sky starts to mumble in it’s own languange, you understand that Nature is alive. The mumbling develops into sharp earlocking bangs. Your heart skips a beat because body believes it’s time to die. Choking feeling of unawarness: what’s gonna happen next?! Chicken skin on your body tells you that even a noise of Nature can scare you. What will happen if Nature starts to act accordingly as well?