Memories of the Detached Love

Sun burns our already tanned naked bodies in the yard of a small green 2floor summer house. It is a perfect minimalistic atmosphere with sovietism written all over it. Being quiet is comfortable. Being hazy and bored from all the rest is allowed because there is nothing more to do than being lazy, and it is enough. We only see each other, we only hear each other, we only want each other. No distracting human existence around us. The leaves of the trees are whispering true secrets of life. The murmur of the fast flowing river has a meditating power. The smell of fresh green grass and colorful, still tiny flowers are pleasing the senses. Just me and you. I cannot see the end. It will never end. It is too perfect to end and too beautiful to turn into dust.
It was the time when I felt I had everything. The beginning of summer, the end of all the responsibilities, the reassurance that love is real and I am worth getting it from the person who had previously crushed my loving capacity by throwing me away ’cause I showed too much messy emotions.
It was perfect and it was fucked up. The way our silky sun-smelling bodies waved against each other. We could feel the heath between us only by looking at each other. How the burning tangible chemistry made us feel that we are right for each other. And knowing that it is too impossible combination of two Aries to last longer than the time we had there made it even more special.
Are you really loving me now? How exciting that was. Finally! Even when he was so boilingly mad (from unknown reasons) that he threw apathetically away the purple flower that I gave him to make him feel better, I was still so glad he didn’t throw me away again.
We ended it soon after arriving back to the city. We were able to love each other only in unrealistic world made of uncatchable dreams and freedom. I would do it all over again. Nothing beats the physical chemistry we had.

All of that came back to my mind when I heard the first beats of the track: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L8Wcj1r2zM

Oh, and by the way – it was also the ending track for the closing of ASUM, Estonian techno club which only lasted half a year. The sunlighted evening spent with my sweet Brigit.

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The Collapse of My Strong Self

The necessity of 12h sleep. Unability to say “no” to junk food. Unability to say “yes” to healthy activities. Crave for joints and cigarets. Wish to stay up as long as possible. All those choices have ruined my daily schedule. But actually I don’t even care that much because I know it will end soon. And by “it” I mean the circle of misuse of time. Those breakable everyday promises to myself are on the one hand, pointless, on the other hand, necessary to reassure myself that I am not totally lost and I still know what is right, but just not able to act accordingly:

As soon as my body has gotten used to the new weekly schedule, the lack of light, the icy air, the moon.
As soon as I have smoked that last joint.
As soon as I finish that last pack of whateverjunkfoodijustbought.
As soon as the clock has ticked into the new day full of unreachable goals.

It seems that I am not my own moral agent anymore, because I can separate right from wrong but I cannot act accordingly. My free will does not lie within my moral agent but within my desires, which are ruling my everyday choices, and therefore all the picked activities are based on my bodily needs. My mind and soul will start crying for more meaningful choices soon. As soon as I’ll be ready.

Finally, life makes sense

What is more exciting than actually moving towards your goals?

All the activities that have caused struggle with finding enough strenght to make yourself believe that you are not weak. All the feelings that have made you believe that life is not worth being happy because being succesful is untangible illusion that only “others” can reach. All of these moments fade away when you actually find the sources of your power. Thoughts that make you feel down, don’t find room in your actively concentrating brain. And even when all the days are not the best ones, you still have those pieces of your true powerful self around you, which support your being and won’t let you fall into that dark room of negativity and loneliness.

The more you fill your day with choices that are good for your present and future self, the calmer you are. It can only be done after heavy dreaming to understand where your mind travels when it is set free; and also by believeing that what you dream of, will manifest and therefore become your wonderful reality.

The House of Red Doors

Waking up at 10AM slowly and with a suffer because of the pain of saying Good Bye to the life I had in my dreams. Question “Where am I?” pops up to my mind every morning and it scares me, because I am afraid it has a deeper cause which is related to my E-self. Has the lifestyle corrupted my mind and now slowly taking over my understanding of the Real? — After the morning evaluation on the topic “Am I crazy?” I grabbed my phone, started to read Wall Street Journal from their amazing app, got some information about the Donald Trump Jr vs Russia scandal but missed information about truly important life – real life around me. Namely, Katja’s Facebook picture popped up on my screen but I ignored it, believing that WSJ has so much more useful facts that will help me to grow as a person. I was wrong. After world-facts I went to see what Katja has to say to me and there it was… the most beautiful information sent an hour ago.

She won 2 tickets to Apokalipstick in Renate club and just saw the e-mail. By the time I was ready to answer her that yes! let’s go! she was already there. I washed myself, put on my basic-rave-outfit, ate chia seed pudding, put cherries into my purse and hopped on my bike. Got in an hour before closing, found Katja right away in her national habitat – dance floor -, we talked & danced and felt very well of our decision to make this couple of hour morning party happen.


The euphoric feeling that rushes into your soul the second you walk into a party gives you the boost you need to have the strenght to become one of the animals in the madhouse. You passionately only see the beauty in everything: in every fallen angel, in all the dirt, in the starvation in people’s eyes. All this is the cause of the feeling that the world is actually wonderful. Everything and everyone that you see there, belongs to there. Even if it would be unacceptable and ugly outside the walls of the club, it is aesthetically perfect inside the walls. 

 

The Fear of Death

You believe you have what it takes. Finally you have created a persona who is powerful enough to stand up straight and against the tought world. You wake up with a smile because you have succeeded in some fields, you are happy with yourself and you know your value. You are strong. Until Nature shows what is the truth. The truth that you are a small little insect that can be washed off from the life (that you are trying to take as seriously as possible) in a second.

Thunderstorms. The moment sky starts to mumble in it’s own languange, you understand that Nature is alive. The mumbling develops into sharp earlocking bangs. Your heart skips a beat because body believes it’s time to die. Choking feeling of unawarness: what’s gonna happen next?! Chicken skin on your body tells you that even a noise of Nature can scare you. What will happen if Nature starts to act accordingly as well?