‘Lost and Found’

The strong wind makes the windows shake and the tree next to the house is creating a rustling heavy whisper. Dark clouds bring a grey shadow on everything and the sudden raindrops ride down the sky like bullets trying to get in from the rattling windows. The small town where the storm is happening only seems to have this kind on weather because it is natural for the streets to be empty of people, for the beautiful sandbeach to be empty of swimmers and sunbathers, and its mood always to be grey. All this seems to create an inhospitable environment for enjoyment, peace, creativity and satisfaction. But the feeling of that small person in that apartment with shaky windows was peaceful. All emotions and feelings were exactly the opposite of what the natural signs were bringing out. She was her strongest self. Enough space to be happy with who she actually was. Nothing around was making her feel miserable. Even when some irritating thoughts started stabbing her heart, it was the healthy mind that was able to stop the process immediately.

What was that in this atmosphere that was giving her the surprising strength and balance? The fact that there seemed to be no competition around her? No hustle and bustle that was constantly taking her concentration away from herself? No unhealthy activities that scatter the self?

Hypersensitivity is a great disadvantage when a person doesn’t know how to protect herself. But it has to be done in order to survive the madness behind the boarder. The madness she left behind a week ago but needs to go back in 5 days. “I don’t want to! I am not ready!” she thinks daily. Just the thought of being back on the streets of Berlin is causing panic and fear. Such a strong overtaking fear that shouldn’t come to a person’s mind when thinking of going back ‘home‘. Like a child whose parents are violent alcoholics, she was scared with thoughts of not being valuable or good enough for the possible love and comfort. The need to prove that ‘I am worth it’ (whatever the ‘it’ currently symbolized) was an everyday task. But not here in the small town with empty streets and cold wind, with nothing else to do than to be with yourself.

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Inhale-Exhale-Repeat

 

 

On the surface of the Moon, soon
a girl starts to move
The gravity of force, source
of all that is left to bloom.
The mental architecture, protection
of the wounds.
Finally a designation, a resignation
of the old and cruel.
Playing piano with fingers in the air, prayer
not used as the only tool.
Softly breathing, leading
the breath for cure.
Opening eyes, good byes
anymore not as scary, but pure.
Passion within, breath in
the touch of the lure.
Life’s scout, breath out
to discover the obscure.

 

Photo credits to Paul Henschel.

Steps with Sounds

To not being able to dance
means not being able to breath.
But if the sacrifice has to be made…
To choose – to live without or to die with
If dance is giving you breath
Then secondary comes the death.

They danced together,
they fought together.
The price – we will see
The pleasure – we already feel.

Let us be free,
whoever you might be
charging our souls with
more than money is worth.

I sigh.
I cry.
I believe
the pain be relieved.

 

In support of those Georgian dancers who are fighting their way into a free club and rave culture. Read more from Resident Advisor.

Pleasure Garden

Autumn crisp has taken over previously heath-filled streets of Berlin. Who could have known that one can enjoy it so much? Walking out of the apartment with your layers of warmth covering the soft skin (which is not as tanned as wished) and from the moment the cold air smoothly crawls into the nostrils, you feel relaxed, gentle smile on your face. Finally, the hectic summer is over and it is allowed to stay in more and not party as much without a guilty feeling and fear of missing out.

The days are mostly filled with sunshine which makes outdoor activities so romantic. Crispy sunshine – contrast that has a strong beauty element within. Leaves are falling yet everything is still very green. Walks by the river, gathering the last colorful flowers that make the room look more like me.


On Saturday we decided to clean our whole apartment to get rid of the spirits, energies and thoughts of previous people who have lived here. We had breakfast together, after what we filled jars with water and salt*, putting our sincerest thoughts in it: what we wish to get rid of; what we wish to manifest. Four witches making magic in the kitchen. After the massive clean-up action, the apartment felt warmer and safer.

*Salt water is known for its power of removing bad energy – just leave it to the room for 24h and then wash the jar.

My new room is finally ready and repowered and I feel good about it.

Palpable Emotions

Windows are wide open, it’s hot summer night, although you can hear the stormy wind developing into rain and maybe even thunder. Just like your messy feelings are culminating into restlessness, the heath with a hint of icy wind is becoming something bigger and stronger. You don’t want to go to sleep, you are too tired to stay awake. Every noise coming from your neighbours, flatmates or nature is pushing your awareness of reality further and further into total chaos, because everything seems to be dangerous and the space that surrounds you seems to be haunted. Haunted by what? Why are you suddenly so afraid of life? Even lying in your own bed is a tricky task – you cannot trust yourself alone with yourself because you are creating the haunted dimension around you and keeping it alive with your own dirty thoughts. Dirty thoughts of you being alone, not enough, fat, embarrassed, bad person, too emotional, too critical, stupid. All of them are a part of the weak self, which comes alive only when emotionally and physically too tired.

It’s 22:22, time to make a wish.

Best advice: let the sleep cure you.